i deny you death

a few years ago, i was retrenched and couldn’t find a job.

nothing.

with no money, hadn’t eaten in a week, couldn’t pay rent, feeling worthless and stupid, lost and alone, useless and hollow, i couldn’t turn to anyone because i was embarressed. i thought i had failed my friends.

too proud to ask for help, i tried to off myself.

damn near got it right too.

blurry images of blood, fingers down my throat, lots of screaming and shouting remain from that night. lost my flat, and my flatmate who was dear friend to me, and damaged valuable relationships as well.

to compound not being allowed to die, i landed back at my ex. so low, so low.

so when death is denied you, where do you go? it’s really fucking hard, but there is nowhere else to go but up.

because you heal. your body will heal without you. and if you make that choice, your mind will too.

so i deny you death.

i forbid you.

feel these words, and the love behind them.

there are more people who love you than you can ever imagine. and despite what you believe now, those who love you, will find you.

hurting yourself while you need to heal to get a job is self-defeating. humans can sense defeat, sickness. heal, love yourself and life will find you. i promise you.

i offer my scars to you so you don’t need to make anymore.

use mine.

use them to heal.

there is love here. tap into it, and use it.

Farewell Michelle Pitout

We only had a fleeting meeting
but you made an impression
you taught me about strength, honour
loyalty and the beauty to found
within
I think it took about 3.2 seconds and I loved you
wanted to be as strong as you
as direct as you
as committed as you to just
being
south africa has gold
south africa has diamonds
neither sparkles as brightly
we have love
south africa is poorer with your loss
and ever should someone so loved
be so missed…

Family weeps at Christmas

Post script
Inspector Trevor Moodley has to be one of the finest policemen it has been my pleasure to be acquainted with. He is fair, firm and reasonable with a clear sense of where his duties lay, i.e. the community. May he and the Pitout family find peace through this trial.

Who are you, really?

Taken from Mandy de Waal

What is your favorite virtue?

Not judging people

What is the principal aspect of your personality?

Stubborn

What are your favorite qualities in a man?

Humbleness and understanding

What are your favorite qualities in a woman?

Strength and intelligence, plus she must know it.

What is your chief characteristic?

Stubbornness

What you admire most in your friends?

Their randomness

What do you appreciate most about your friends?

That they’re my friends

What is your main fault?

Fly off the handle too quickly

What is your favourite occupation?

Being a cop.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being a cop.

What would be your idea of absolute misery?

Not knowing who I am. Been there, done that, got the scars.

If not yourself, who would you be?

If I was someone else, I’d probably be myself again?

Where would you like to live?

In South Africa, near a beach, mountain and veld. So I guess West Coast.

What is your favourite colour and flower?

Blue, Flame Lily

Who is your favourite author?

Wilbur Smith

Who is your favourite poet?

Ulla Kelly, Sue Smith, Myesha Jenkins, Caroline Smith, Vanessa van Gelder, Lebogang Mashile

Who is your favourite fictional heroine?

Tankgirl

Who is your favourite fictional hero?

don’t have one…

Who is your hero in real life?

My mom

Which historical character do you most dislike?

Pick an 1820 settler

Which historical hero do you most like?

Mohatma Ghandi

What do you hate most in the world?

Unqualified judgement of people

What talent would you like to be gifted with?

Mathematics. But really genius level.

How would you wish to die?

Living.

What would your tomb stone read?

She lived. But Beloved better cremate my ass or there’s going to be a haunting…

What is your present state of mind?

Busy, but unfocussed

What fault do you have that you tolerate the most?

My ability to procrastinate

When do you lie?

When I have to

Who or what do you hate?

Not much, hate is a really strong emotion, and it’s too draining. If I have to, it’s cooked vegetables.

What is your greatest achievement?

My two sons, and that I am here today, and that I am who I am.

What’s your most treasured possession?

My eyes. I am terrified of going blind, I don’t think I’d live without sight.

those were the days

as a child of the sixties, the seekers featured a lot. this brings back fond memories of sitting in front of my dads record-player and singing along. when i met my love kim, i wooed her with this song:

we were two damaged souls looking for love and safe harbour, and we found it in each other. and now nearly four years on, we are stronger, not in each other, but because of each other, and i give my heart utterly and freely to her.

and if the seekers can still pull it together after all these years, you can bet your bottom dollar we can face anything life dishes up…

i like

the pattern of the carpet
fortunately
because if i look into your eyes
im going to slap
that self satisfied sanctimonious
smirk on your face
into last week

bitch

this animal inside me
terrifies me
i have an idea of
what it would cost
to release it
to reflect how i really feel
but i musnt
shouldnt
wont
because then youll win
even when youre broken

instead

ill sit at home
light some incense
sip on my jacks
and wait for you to go away
as insidiously as you came
snake in the grass
twisted evil
screams for release
need
stronger
chains

ethics

i’ve just seen a music production,
it was shockingly bad
do i name them and shame them
or do i bite the bullet and say, hey,
these are young artists starting out
in the big bad wolf eat wolf world
do i say the one bright moment
just showed how eye-gougingly terrible
the rest of the show was
tell them the truth
so they can up their game
or blow them off the stage
and destroy their lives
the public have a right to know
or do they?
decisions, decisions…

Soccer time

Soccer city in Jozi

soccer is here
and a whole bunch of people
are going to come and kick a ball
up and down and run around
and get sweaty and stuff
and then they’ll go and watch the games
i hope i’ll meet some of you
and show you the bright side
of south africa
my africa
where lions
no longer roam in the street
where most cops
are not corrupt
where tar roads and street lights abound
we have our problems
any teenager does
you’re not going to undo fifty years
of apartheid at the drop of a vote
but we’re working on them
and i believe
this is going to be
the best soccer world cup in history
because its going to lift us
help us
find our commonality
just a pity
we can only find it when we’re being sporty

David Beckham, Charlize Theron and FIFA Secretary General Jerome Valcke do the draw…

Who’s playing who?

Images are screen grabs from FIFA except for the first photo which i took

beware…

casualty of war

Daily Telegraph journalist awarded for Semenya story From: The Daily Telegraph December 04, 2009 1:07AM
Source: AP
THE Daily Telegraph’s Mike Hurst took out the top award the Australian Sports Commission dinner in Melbourne for his world exclusive on the Caster Semenya scandal.
Hurst won for best reporting of an issue in sport after he uncovered medical reports proving Semenya – who had stormed to victory in the women’s 800m at the 2009 Berlin World Championships – had internal male testes that gave her an increased testosterone level and a huge advantage over her female rivals.

Hurst also exposed an extensive cover-up by South African athletics officials, leading to their resignation.

well done mike hurst
no doubt you sleep easy at night
justified and sanctified
in your sanctimoanious assertions
it’s for the greater good
that you exposed the politicians
ripping off the ‘hood
exposing lies and corruption
well done mike hurst
the bastards are all gone now
leaving behind a young woman
shattered by the knowledge
that she is not who she thought she is
because you did it for the greater good
and it also shows the high level
of journalism in your country
when claims are disputed
but still, you get the award?
i wish you no harm mike
that would drag me to your level
i just hope that one day
you understand
what it is you’ve done
to this young woman

life

rippling thunder
shreds the sky
lightning turns night into ghostly day
chasing silence away as crash upon crash
splits the silence
preparing us
warning us
as drop
after
drop
dropdrop
turns into dribbles
chased earthwards by screaming blue skies
harder harder
harderharderharder
its not enough
Gaia throws down hail to chase the rain
must get water to the ground to return to
the sky again…

exhausted now

ice covers the ground
Gaia melts into Gaia
as Gaia grumbles onward
away
looking for new targets
new places and faces to amaze
while they gaze at a primal force
puny humans
enjoy the gift of life…