the amandzing way

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Dark thoughts

So where does your guilt take you? When you’ve lived with it so long, it’s taken on a life of it’s own and it drags everything you’ve ever done down into an abyss of despair, pain and self loathing, where u actually feel at home and start to wallow in the worms of self pity that writhe through your soul and your mind?

Do you feed off the ‘ag shame’ of others, using it and twisting pity to feed the monster that is the black hole in your world that sucks all feeling and hope into it’s broken glass maw, spitting the faeces of your life into the road where it just gets smeared into the unforgiving black, hot tar of what has become your self defeating path?

Guilt just hammers and hammers and hammers at you, breaking open through your pain, tearing open the flesh of your heart and ripping out the meat of your love and throwing it away like yesterdays rice. Your love has no value anymore, can’t be used for strength anymore, weaker than dust and as dried up as a winter leaf.

When did you become numb? When did the pain; the fear; the terror; of those quiet nights fade? When did you look in the mirror and decide, what must be must be. Abyss walls are smeared with the love of those who loved you, and the end is so, so far away, what’s the point of even trying; is that where your guilt takes you?



  1. tomachfive says:

    I went the very same path before, and it seemed no relief was in sight. Thank heavens, numbness to the pain of guilt came, and I was able to move on. I believe, based on my experience, productive outlets can sublimate guilt into more manageable levels.

  2. SanityFound says:

    I agree but also one has to put it all into perspective no matter what the guilt is about, there is always 3 sides – yours, mine and the actual event. I once suffered from the same, for big things, little things and things that were never in my control eventually it got to a point and I sat down and started writing the different perspectives of the events as they took place, past and present, slowly the bigger picture started to take shape and I started to live without regret… Thanks for the post, you have an incredible way of putting forth that which is in your mind, love it! 🙂

  3. amandzing says:

    Thank you both. I’ve realised since writing this, I’m not actually responsible for other peoples happiness, and I stopped taking that on…

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