the amandzing way

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i deny you death

a few years ago, i was retrenched and couldn’t find a job.

nothing.

with no money, hadn’t eaten in a week, couldn’t pay rent, feeling worthless and stupid, lost and alone, useless and hollow, i couldn’t turn to anyone because i was embarressed. i thought i had failed my friends.

too proud to ask for help, i tried to off myself.

damn near got it right too.

blurry images of blood, fingers down my throat, lots of screaming and shouting remain from that night. lost my flat, and my flatmate who was dear friend to me, and damaged valuable relationships as well.

to compound not being allowed to die, i landed back at my ex. so low, so low.

so when death is denied you, where do you go? it’s really fucking hard, but there is nowhere else to go but up.

because you heal. your body will heal without you. and if you make that choice, your mind will too.

so i deny you death.

i forbid you.

feel these words, and the love behind them.

there are more people who love you than you can ever imagine. and despite what you believe now, those who love you, will find you.

hurting yourself while you need to heal to get a job is self-defeating. humans can sense defeat, sickness. heal, love yourself and life will find you. i promise you.

i offer my scars to you so you don’t need to make anymore.

use mine.

use them to heal.

there is love here. tap into it, and use it.

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8 Comments

  1. shoreacres says:

    You are so right, in so many ways.

    You’re right that healing is in the nature of things – if we allow it to happen and embrace it when it happens in spite of us.

    And you’re right that those who love us will search until they find us. Sometimes those whose love needs an object will find us, too, even though they don’t know us until they find us.

    And none of us need any more scars.

    Be well.

    none of us need any more scars. – so true.

  2. me says:

    i think scars are beautiful. battlescars.. whateverscars… badges of honour, quite often. powerful writing, ms zing.

    thank you<- seems woefully trite…i dunno…my head's very busy

  3. Beautiful, tragic and hopeful at the same time.

    no more pain

  4. ozymandiaz says:

    feeling it
    thanks
    and thanks for hanging around

    dude.

  5. rob says:

    .. we’re all scarred. scars might be reminiscence of pain, but it also reminds us that wounds do heal; however painful it was as it cut through our skin.

    thank you, you’re right of course

  6. Yeo says:

    I’m using your scar right now. Thank you.

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