the amandzing way

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vanessaleighsblog (10:41:39) :
amandzing: You can do it. It is just you, after all.

is it? is just me?
perhaps its the sum of the parts
that are greater than me
those parts that lurk
and wriggle and writhe
in the darknessssssssss away from
the outer light thats ssssso bright
it burns your eyes
hides the lies
and never tires
of shedding itssss ssssskin
when im not looking
hooking itssss clawsss into my bright
making me fight just to keep a happy
face and drag this two dimensional reflection
of a carefully posed deflection of
dark and dank places
the light
never reaches past
my many faces
its time again
i think
for those happy pills
its been good for a while
just dealing with the daily grind
existing on the surface and
doing life as it came by
but all this talk of mirrors
scares me
makes me think
ill see that monster of me
perched on my shoulder
waiting to trip me and drag me
turns out
i didn’t need a mirror
after all

post script … just so you know…there is no reason for my depression… it comes … drags its claws across my mind … my wife gives me natural happy pills … the monster subsides for a while … and leaves my brain bleeding and my soul feeling as though its been bathing in my repressed useless tears … substance abuse was my crutch … now all i have is this page … and my wife … and my happy pills …



  1. ozymandiaz says:

    maybe this won’t help but
    that is three more things than many folks have
    forgive yourself
    and inspire (litterally “breath in”)

    you’re right. my wife is not an ‘all’. she is so much more than that.

  2. amandzing: WOW.

    The work that I am doing now, as a client of a life coach, in the hopes of being one someday, entails looking into some of my own dark places.

    It is kind of creepy there, and when I go there in my mind, I get a rock in the pit of my tummy.

    I go there anyway. Because we all have those places, we all have those stories, and even though they are not the same story, they are.

    And, once I connect those stories to who I am today, I can understand, and actively make it different.

    When I DO something different, I FEEL something different. And, the more I am exploring the stories, the more relief I am feeling, not so much because I am finding others with a story similar to mine, but because I am telling myself MY truth and leaving the shame behind.

    I am rambling now, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and to know, all is not lost.

    After all, it IS only you, which is indeed, spectacular.

  3. shoreacres says:

    You know, I just went back and looked again at the comment you left on my post about the storms. You said,

    I love the utter rawness and the tempestuousness of the lightning, hail and wind and rain lashing the earth. And the earth just sits there and takes it.

    Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t wisdom there for the storms we endure in our personal lives. However damaged the earth may be by such storms, she isn’t destoyed. Perhaps our task, sometimes, is to accept our own storms and part of life when they come, and then rejoice when they’re gone.

  4. tomachfive says:

    Every beginning has an end. Patience wins at the end.

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